Jared Ireland

Jared is coming to town! I tremble with the glee of a 12 year old girl. Hell, only the oldest of friends can even remember a time when Jared was among us. The rest have been unjustly denied that blessing that is knowing he who has touched so many (not...y'know physically). So I will do my best to bring his facthood to life (again....not physically).

In the beginning, circa 2000, there was a barren world of distrust and hatred for all. A downward spiral of black despair speckled with the shattered remains of our collective hopes and dreams, the Moore-Hill dormitory saw it's darkest days. So distraught were we with our lot in life that random knifings in the bathroom were common. Michael, our RA, was so commonly issuing statements to the Police that he actually fell in love with one of their daughters. They were engaged to marry but alas, he was killed in a random knifing in the bathroom. Sweet Irony. The hallways were strewn with the evidence of our rapidly destroyed lives. Broken vodka bottles, shared syringes, several dead residents and a gaggle of free range chickens were scattered throughout the dorm.

One day I was in the bathroom another resident came to me with a shiv carved from his toothbrush. I was going to die, like so many others, in a random knifing. But then God did an Irish jig and Jared came into existance. As my would be murderer raised his hand to strike me, Jared leaped from the shadows, grabbed is wrist, tore out his arm and used it to knife its former owner. All while combing his hair and preparing a delightful crab bisque for the residents of the 4th floor of Moore-Hill. Stunned I looked upon him in silence and then he bent down and said to me "I will consume all evil and excrete only good". Then he ate the killer's body and went into a stall.

From then on order was restored. Originally we started to sacrifice virgins to keep his protection. But he said it was unneccesary and that the girls in Littlefield were, in all actuallity, not even remotely virgin. Under the shadow cast by his mighty visage we toiled to rebuild our lives. Now, JT is president of the United States, Sean is the Pope, Keith was the first man to succesfully mate a Shitzu and a Bulldog, Austin is the most powerful drug dealer in Miami, and Tomas freed Tibet.

Jared left us as suddenly as he came to use a year later. No one knows where he went, but I like to think he is watching over us from wherever he is.

But now, he is returning. And a mighty blow of vengeance will be wrought upon his enemies.