For the love of God, do not read this.

Link sleeps soundly. Suddenly a disembodied voice like honey poured over thunder speaks, "LINK! ARISE AND MEET YOUR DESTINY, HERO".
Groggily Link. "Not now Reverend, I am but 2 hours asleep." he scolds.
"WHAT? NO, DOUCHE-NOZZLE, I AM SENT OF THE GODS TO CHARTER YOU WITH YOUR GREAT FATE"
"Thats what the Reverend said..."
"LOOK, LETS FORGET ABOUT THE REVEREND FOR NOW, OK?"
"Ok, where are you"
"DIFFERENT PLANE OF EXISTANCE, SEE, NOTHING CAN TRAVEL AT THE "SPEED OF LIGHT" SINCE THAT IS A RELATIVE TERM. THIS CASTS TIME IN A DIFFERENT LIGHT AS A 4 DIMENSION IN A UNIVERSE IN WHICH WE ARE ALL TRAVELING AT THE SAME SPEED. NOW IF YOU TAKE THE SMALLEST PARTICLE OF CREATION..."
"Forget it, can you just ass-rape me so I can go to sleep"
"UH, WHAT? NO, EW, WHAT? WHATS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU NEED TO SAVE HYRULE. THATS WHY I AM HERE, TO GET YOU ALONG YOUR WAY..
"Kind of a Joseph Smith thing..right, see I don't really think I believe in your "Gods" so whatever you think they want me to do isn't any of my concern since they don't exist."
"DON'T BELIEVE? YOU'RE HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH A DISEMBODIED, AND SEXY, VOICE. WHAT MORE PROOF DO YOU NEED, YOU TWAT?
"I'm a man of science, so I believe what I see. Maybe if you weren't disembodied you'd actually exist and I would go off and kill the Muslims or whatever you want me to do"
"SO, YOU DON'T BELIEVE I EXIST?"
"Exactly, I am merely insane. It's the only explanation that makes sense"
"LOOK, I'M SORRY WHOEVER TOUCHED YOU WHEREVER OR WHATEVER HAPPENED..."
"Happens"
"HAPPENS, RIGHT, WHATEVER, BUT YOU NEED TO GO SAVE THE FUCKING WORLD FROM EVIL."
"How do you define evil, voice in my head? Evil deeds, when viewed in the light of motive, can suddenly seem pure and good. And also..."
"OMFG! IT'S EVIL, TRUST ME. SCREW THIS, I'LL GO FIND SOME OTHER 7 YEAR OLD TO SAVE THE PRINCESS."
"Princess?"
"PRINCESS."
"t'she look like?"
"LOOKING UPON HER VISAGE IS LIKE BEING FELLATED BY PLEASURE HIMSELF"
"Nice image there, are you gay?"
"NO! I HATE GAYS..WITH THEIR...GAYNESS, ALL GAY AND SHIT"
"Heh, ok, you're straight as an arrow. I'm in, but I have no money to my name"
"ONCE I SAW THIS GUY IN THE GYM...I'M PRETTY SURE HE WAS A GAY HOMOSEXUAL SO I GRABBED HIS ASSCHEEKS AND PULLED UP REALLY HARD, Y'KNOW...TO PUNISH HIM FOR BEING AN ABOMINATION UNTO NATURE...I WONDER WHAT HE IS DOING RIGHT NOW..."
"Yo God, or whatever, I need money for my seige d'poontang"
"RIPPED LIKE JESUS...."
"Who?"
"MY GARDNER..YOU COULD GRATE CHEESE ON HIS ABS....BUT THAT IS NEITHER HERE NOR THERE."
"I'm pretty sure it's somewhere... so money?"
"NOT A PROBLEM, THE GODS WILL PROVIDE AN UNLIMITED AMOUNT OF COIN"
"Really? Where?"
"OTHER PEOPLE'S HOUSES. JUST GO IN AND SMASH ALL THEIR POTTERY AND STEAL THEIR TREASURE. GRAB A CHICKEN OR TWO WHILE YOU'RE THERE. OH, BE SURE TO DESTROY THEIR BUSHES AS WELL. SOME OF THOSE VILLAGERS ARE SAVVY"
"...you...you want me to rob all my neighbors?"
"WHY NOT, YOU'RE CHARTERED BY THE GODS ON A HOLY MISSION."
"but...what if they call the guards on me?"
"KILL THEM"
"WHAT?!?! I can't do that..they're the King's men"
"OK, MR. BLEEDING HEART, THEN JUST RUN WHEN YOU GET CAUGHT STEALING EVERYONE'S MONEY, LETS SEE HOW THAT WORKS OUT MANDELA."
"What if I get hurt"
"GOTCHA COVERED, WHEN YOU KILL A GUARD, OR AN ANIMAL, OR AN INNOCENT BYSTANDER, BE SURE TO CUT OUT AND EAT THEIR HEARTS. THAT WILL GIVE YOU THE STRENGTH YOU NEED"
"...?"
"DID YOU CATCH THAT, YOU NEED TO CARVE OUT PEOPLES' HEARTS AND EAT THEM TO MAINTAIN YOUR STRENGTH"
"I...I don't think...is that..."
"LOOK, YOU WANT TO SURVIVE THE QUEST RIGHT?"
"I...if.."
"EXACTLY! SO GO AHEAD AND FIND A GUARD OUTSIDE, KILL HIM AND EAT HIS HEART, YOU'LL SEE, IT'S FUN"